The Woman Slayer: Kenshin and The Batousai's Story
by Avagrabo
Summary: Yeah, it's Humor/Romance, that order, and it's getting an R because I'm a bad person. Rurouni and Battousai parts of Kenshin have an amusing mental conflict as they start a real relationship with Kaoru. R+R please!
1. The Return of the Hitokiri

The Woman Slayer: Kenshin and The Battousai's Story

Chapter 1: The Hitokiri's Return (Oh how I seem to return to my roots, Im back to listening to Rage Against the Machine)

(OK, another project to keep me from giving in and fixing the Sano fic! I got TERRIBLY distracted by a wonderful but far to short fic where Kesnhin and the Battousai have a mental argument about Kaoru. I laughed my ass off and decided the idea was mine. The original was A Look Inside Himura Kenshin's Head, by Trickster. I'm sorry I had to do this, but I need a humor fic! Anyway, do your best to enjoy. I know it's hard.)

(Oh yeah, The Rurouni's gonna be thinking in _italics,_ the man-slayer in him will be giving him little underlined snippets of wisdom.)

You're staring again. _Shut up._ Oh come ON, no baka! Has all that wandering deprived you of ALL you passion??

The entire Dojo gang was gathered around the table, trying so VERY hard not to make faces, as Kaoru had threatened a swift and painful death to all who dared even BLINK at her cooking, and had her bokken at hand. 'Hmm', she thought, 'Sano might be a challenge, hopefully the food itself will weaken him if he complains'

"Kaoru-dono, even Sano must admit (OR ELSE) that you cooking tonight is superb!" Praised Kenshin, shooting Sano a glance that seemed to send an amber beam directly into the gangster's thick skull, assuring him that Sano would indeed agree that it was superb, lest Kaoru's punishment be the LESSER one. "Umm, most definitely, gimme secondsFASTER!!" Screamed Sano, even he had learned quickly what THAT look meant.

You suck-up! _Oh, and what's YOUR idea of a good thing to say? _How about 'will you marry me?'? _Oh you shut yourthing, I'm merely being kind to my benefactor, I'm to stained to touch her_Oh that's not what THESE little thoughts say, in fact here you're touching her in a rather-_HOW DID YOU GET THOSE!?_

"Why thank you Kenshin!" said Kaoru, eliminating him as a threat even as she acknowledged Sano's surrender. That left Yahiko, who got simultaneous silent death threats from both Kenshin AND Kaoru, and nearly slid under the table.

"Peachy! Umm, a nice change from Kenshin always undercooking the rice" SLAY HIM SLAY HIM SLAY HI-_You be quiet, I like my rice a little sticky, I can't just randomly kill people because of their opinions on cooking. _Oh how easily you broke THAT rule, I believe that 5 seconds ago you were preparing a Ryu Tsui Tsen for Sanosuke over there if he didn't profess his deepest love of Kaoru's beef stew

__

Now listen you worthless remainder of a broken era, why don't you go AWAY!? Because I'm more a part of you than anything elseand besides, who saved us from Jinei? Remind me. Who cut down Cho before he could butcher the kid? HUH?! _I could've handled it_Now YOU be quiet, my sword skrillz make you look sickand besides, who got us Tomoe? I always have to take over whenever we do something IMPORTANT, like good fights or women.

Later Kenshin and Kaoru stayed up washing dishes, Sano was off to find a bar or three and Yahiko was fighting indigestion with renewed vigor. So now's our chance_What are you planning, dirty hentai/murdering slime?_ Oh, I figured you might suggest that you and her take a little walk latermaybe down by the river, so many HAPPY memories there_And since when are YOU romantic? _Tomoe?

__

Fine, I'll listen this once, but only because it'll make you shut up when you're wrong. And don't go around flaunting Tomoe as you prime achievement, she IS dead you'll remember. Well, that was an unfortunate accident, and I didn't exactly come out good either you know. Had to share this body with some pathetic wuss alter-ego like YOU._ Oh, so slaughtering people is brave now? _At least I managed to get the girl, she loves you to death and you're STILL being coldand they say I'm the emotionless killer!

THAT hit home. "Miss Kaoru, will you walk with me by the river? There are some things I wanted to talk about" Kenshin trailed off, realizing what it sounded like. But before he could start referring to himself as Sessha Kaoru agreed, still elated over dinner's success. "Of course Kenshinwalking by the river with you is always nice. Let me go change."

You know, there's that little hole you caught Yahiko poking in the Shoji-_Oh no, I'll leave the hentai crap to my brave little man-slayer self. I'm not gonna look._ Wow, you didn't have to! Let me tell you, you have an IMPRESSIVE imaginationa few minor errors regarding feminine physiology and basic physics though. Old age must be dimming our memory._ Ok, now those were just innocent thoughts! I connected nothing naughty or innapropriate to the image of Kaoru-dono changing, and it was you who planted that thought. _Kenshin you hentai, you think I can't see your thoughts? Wow, I like the one with the cherry sauce and the laundry bucket and Kaoru's bokken best out of all- _Grr, if it weren't for you giving me these HENTAI images-_

"Kenshin? You still there?" Kaoru cocked her head at the leaning samurai as he opened his eyes. "Allright then," She said, so very tempted to take his hand. "let's walk."

Take her hand. _NO! So forward! So-_ You Ahou, she wants you to! _How can you tell!? You know that I'll do whatever it takes to make Kaoru-dono happy, but I think you're playing on this to your own selfish ends._ Fine, have fun for the next few years, I'm sure that by then you'll be ready to start something with her.

__

Damn you! FINE! "It's cold outwould you mind if I held your hand? Id hate for you to catch a cold just so that I could have company tonight" "OF COU-Of course, Kenshin!" Said Kaoru, having to swallow her original yell of joy. Maybe tonight

They walked together, Kenshin totally immune to the elements, Kaoru shivering a little even under her heavier kimono. You know, you should really warm her up_I don't trust you! But she does look a little coldoh fine, but you butt out with the naughtiness!_ "Kaoru-dono, you're coldwould you like to find somewhere to sit down?" "S-s-sure K-k-k-kenshin"

__

Oh now, this won't do at all, but she's FREEZING! Well comfort herit's the RIGHT thing to do._ Ok, now Im worried. _TRUST ME. I haven't steered you wrong so far, have I?_ Hmmallright, I'll trust you for now I suppose. Tell me what to do and saydo anything to hurt Miss Kaoru and I'll slit our belly before you can say Ryu Tsui Tsen._

"Kaoru-dono, you're freezinglet me warm you," Said Kenshin, wrapping his strong arms around her. Kaoru was shocked. His voice was different, smoother and more sure of itself, and his actions, while she had to admit very nice, were not his usual shynessShe leaned into his hug and turned to look at his face-

'Oh SHIT' She thought. His eyes were amber. The Battousai's color. "Are you allright Miss Kaoru? Warm enough? Because we can always try to make you warmer" _Ok, you're pushing it. This is NOT what I had in mind. _Listen, quit yo bitchin. I'll get us our woman, and unlike SOME of us I won't leave her behind crying and refusing to eat until she actually tracks us down in another half of Japan

Wellhe SEEMED pretty niceand the eyes weren't so bad really. Now they were more gold than the angry amber shade she had seen the other times, and he didn't seem to be violentmaybe the Hitokiri simply took over whenever he was in a high emotional state. "Oh, a little cold still," She said, beginning to snuggle against him. "But I'm sure you can protect me. You always do"

PWNED!!11 I CL41M H4XX!!111 _Oh shut up, I could have done it myself, and besides, you should not flirt so, it is wrong to use these little tricks to get her closer_ How again? She's happy, I'm happy, no one's hurt, and it's what we both want, right baka-Rurouni? _Sighall right, but if you make her cry I WILL take us BOTH outor maybe get Anjii on the job, I'm sure he could handle removing an angry bad self._ Let me do my work here, bitch. Heh. Pwned

The amber-eyed beauty reached one hand around to briefly brush Kaoru's face. "Your lips are starting to turn blue Miss Kaoruwe should probably go back to the dojo before you freeze," _WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? _So you do care after all! Oh it's so sweet! "unless," the Battousai said over Kaoru's denial that she wasn't THAT cold "you'd like me to warm them, too?"

NOW Kaoru was slightly worriedbut then again, this was improvement, right? She HAD wanted Kenshin to wake up to their feelings, and here he was, offering to"Oh KenshinI'd love thatyes, I think I would." PWNED! PWNED! PWNED! _I hate you so muchdon't go thinking she won't miss her Rurouni soon! _Well then I'll just have to let you be her Rurounia lot like YOU made ME her Battousaiuse me when you want and then discard. _Wellallright, I see your pointwe'll work this out somehow. _Damn straight we will, now if you'll excuse me

Kaoru, who had been sitting on Kenshin's left side, felt herself suddenly pulled across Kenshin's lap, until she was in range for-and there he bent down and kissed her lightly on the lips. He then gave her a kiss on each cheek just for good measure. Kaoru was going insane. She wanted a REAL kiss, and these small warm-ups and the interesting positions of his hands in their new arrangment demanded one, and soon she was on the verge of begging him for one when-

Kenshin was gone! Where could he have gone? Kaoru prepared to smack him a good one upside the face for letting her sprawl on the ground like that, when he began to return, bearing with him an unconscious Yahiko. "I'm sorry Kaoru (No miss, when he got like this), it seems Yahiko has been trying to spy on us. He won't be awake for a while though." He gave her that scary Battousai smile that said that he could kill 20 of her before any of them could draw another breath. "Now, where were we?"

"Umm, Kenshin, we should probably go take Yahiko in, it's cold, and he might be hurtand besides, I'm not sure I trust myself out here with you."

__

OK, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?!? Well obviously my plan-_FAILED. Miserably. _How can you say that? She was ABOUT to ask for a real kiss, prolly gonna say 'Oh now my mouth is cold' or somesuch, and THEN-_Oh I can't believe I let you take this over! NOW you've done it! I'll try and repair the damage, and until I do it's back to being sessha for both of us!_

(Hmmm, I almost kinda sorta like this, which is a totally new experience for me. So tell me what you think, I'll be writing new chapters on the plane tommorow, pretty much regardless of reviews, but post them reviews anyway or I'll make fun of you in the next Author's note. Ungrateful lil shits, I spend an hour writing this and you can't give me 5 sentences about how good it was? Oh well, farewell, hope u liked, more to come soon I hope.)


	2. Sessha

Chapter 2: Sessha (Written to Hybrid Theory on the way to Maine, laptops are cool!)

(OK, I like this story more than I usually like my actual writing (I usually LOVE the concepts for my shit, just not what gets typed), so you'll probably be distracting me from finishing the Sano fic for a while here. Keep reading, keep reviewing! Enjoy!)

Ok, I'm getting VERY tired of this 'Sessha' SHIT! I'M not unworthy, I don't see why you have to use the damn word about both of us you suck-up carrot-top pansy eyed little punk! _If you'll remember, I'm using it because of YOU disgraceful behavior, and who are you calling punk? You're me at 15, I'm us between then and now. And BOTH of us are redheads._ Ummm, well yeah, but you're the one with the faggoty eyes! I'm sure Kaoru MUCH prefers me dangerous golden look, and we have to do everything for Kaoru like good little boys-errr, boy, don't we?

Indeed we do. Ever since the incident in the night, Kenshin had been doing his utmost to keep Kaoru happy even as the Battousai protested that YOU'RE SPOILING THE BITCH!, and Sano and Yahiko snickered openly at him. Well Sano at least, Yahiko was still spending most of his time lying down. The Battousai had been delegated by Kaoru to teach him a lesson about spying, and while the Rurouni had kept the Hitokiri from actually _maiming_ the unfortunate lad, they were both very very angry indeed about the interruption. A small pile of broken practice swords and Yahiko's newly shortened short-term memory were both testimonies to this wrath.

Kaoru, meanwhile, was feeling guilty about putting her poor protector through all of this. _Obviously he's taking the politeness thing to far, I was more afraid of what I might do than what he might. I mean, I couldn't ever tell Kenshin about those terrible thoughts I have about my bokken and his laundry bucket and the cherry sauce…I should really forgive him, and try and get back to where we were when that damn kid interrupted us._

_ It was weird when the Battousai came out, but he was nice, wasn't he? Romantic, and alluring in that dangerous way of his…it's like they're separate people, and I love 'em both._ She decided. "KENSHIN!!" She shouted, knowing he was no doubt in th emiddle of some petty chore, trying to appease her. "Sessha is coming, Kaoru-dono!" He cried, racing from the broom he had been scouring the already-spotless dojo floors with. Ooh, this could be good, maybe she's finally ready for a little lovin'…_It's more likely she's going to tell us about something else we need to do to make up for your impoliteness, ahou, or maybe just find a real punishment or give us a tongue lashing. _You had some interesting images in your head regarding the word 'lash', stupid Rurouni, don't try and hide them!

"Yes, Miss Kaoru? Is there anything I can do for you?" "Oh Kenshin, you work to hard around here, and never eat much at all, especially compared (_In both work and food consumption)_ to my OTHER boarders." She threw an evil glare at where she assumed Yahiko would be trying to spy, and got an answering sound of a young boy scurrying away. "Why don't you take a break? Another walk along the river maybe?" Score, bitch! I've got you now! _Oh come, she's merely being nice, she's always so nice…nothing to do with your stupid antics. _"You're so romantic there, if only you were always like that!" Kaoru giggled. I don't really have to tell you how badly you got pwned on this one, do I? _ No. You don't._

"That would be wonderful, Kaoru-dono! Sessha is grateful to you, for all of your kindness." "Kenshin, won't you stop with that politeness nonsense? You do more than earn your keep here, even if you didn't protect me against many criminals, admittedly ones really after you, you would make an excellent maid and cook. At the very least won't you simply call me Kaoru, and speak in the first person for one?"

MAID!? _Oh shut up, MAID boy!_ "If you ask, Kaoru (She shivered to hear her name pronounced so intimately by her obsession), but I'm to stained with blood to ever earn back the right to act with such casualness…unless you say so." Kaoru sighed. "How many times must I repeat that I don't want your bloodstained self here? What I lo-what I want is the wanderer, the nice Kenshin that plays with the children and cooks like a god."

I'm gonna kill that bitch. _ OH NO YOU AREN'T! Talk about it again and Ill disembowel myself to stop you, baka-deshi!_ But she liked me so much before…ask her what happened to that! _I will most certainly not! _Then I will.

Kenshin's eyes did their little switch thing, and the Battousai was soon in charge. Kaoru merely stared. "Really Kaoru, didn't you enjoy him the other night?" His voice had a barely contained edge to it, and Kaoru started as she realized that she had just said she didn't want the hitokiri part of Kenshin, moments after thinking about how nice and romantic he was.

"Oh, I didn't mean-well-umm…" "Oh, I know you don't want me-I mean, you hate the Battousai that kills people, but I think there's more to m-him than you think…" Kenshin's normal violet eyes return. _YOU FUCK! YOU STUPID SACK OF-_Oh be QUIET, I just ensured my own future, you didn't really think I'd let you have her all to yourself, did you? And she DID just admit she doesn't want me to go, along with saying that I, and not, I might remind you, YOU, was very romantic by the river. "I'm sorry Miss-I mean, Kaoru, I don't know what came over me." He apologized.

"Well, tonight let's put Yahiko to bed early…he's been asleep by 9 or so since you broke our last bokken anyway, and we'll head down to the river. You can tell Sano he's not eating here tonight, he's already chewing us out of half our cash anyway." _Oh no, if I talk to Sano he's sure to weasel out what's happening soon enough…luckily I promised Yahiko that I'd let Kaoru at him if he mentioned anything he saw to Sanosuke. _Damn, boy, who says you can't brag? And besides, Sanosuke might have some advice for us. Stop those angry thoughts, what if he can help us make our pretty Miss even happier. Think of it that way._ If you honestly think I'll ask SANOSUKE for love advice, then you're out of our mind!_

"Very well, Kaoru…I'll go find Sano and buy dinner." _Oh Sano will never let me hear the end of this, but I'll take your advice again, you useless remnant. _You'd best, I've done more for our relationship in a week than you have for-how many years is it now? 3? _Well, still…help or not you behave yourself or I'll go back to ignoring you, or maybe have a talk with Anji…_

*

Sano laughed. And laughed. And laughed, until Kenshin knocked him down and made to leave. "Oh don't be spiteful Kenshin, I was just starting to worry you were more interested in guys or something (He DIES for this), you took so long asking her. Hey, don't give me that Battousai look, it's scary dammit." "Ok, sorry, just tell me what I should do." "Well I guess…" After a few minutes, the poor Rurouni having heard things that alternately chilled and warmed his blood, Kenshin thanked his old friend, and, Battousai still sniggering at his naïveté, headed for the tofu shop. You mean you didn't know-_Shut up. _But you really thought-_SHUT UP. _Oh that's just SAD. You'd better leave this evening to me._ After last time? Think again, you can stick with SLAYING ME, not-oh well, you see where that's going._ Laying women? Well if you'll remember I'm more adept at both of thme than you, so let me have this evening…or would you rather I just take it? Remembering the awful feeling of the Battousai stealing control of him, Kenshin agreed. _Fine, but only because Kaoru-dono said she liked the last time we walked…and I can take control back, so watch yourself, unless you want me to explain the situation to Kaoru._

Oh I'll be good…just ask Kaoru tommorow. As soon as you wake up ask her, all you should have to do is turn over.

(OK, this is my first chapter from Maine, which means strange new internet connection, typed on a new version of Word with my dads flashy new laptop, so sorry if some stuff is off. I'm distracted by a variety of things at the moment, bbut after my ex, my family I'm visiting, and playing cards with my cousins, this story has my top priority, if only because I can listen to my new Cds as I write it. I'll post as often as I can, please review even more, it's a bitch to get on the net up here, and I could use some encouragement. Farewell loyal readers, R+R or poenas date! L8r!)


	3. Cherry Sauce

Chapter 3: Cherry Sauce (Umm, lemme go turn on Hybrid Theory again….ahh, there we go, written to Hybrid Theory (I'll go through it twice before the chapter's finished). Oh, I lied! I'm listening to System of a Down now (CD name), this took longer than I thought.)

(OK, this and Chapter 2 will be going up at the same time, I have a little more free time on my hands than I thought I would, and sorry if they're late…hey, I'm writing them fast enough, the challenge is finding the internet on a small island of the coast of Maine. Enjoy!)

Kaoru, locked in decision, stood before her wardrobe. In front of her lay a variety of pretty kimonos, most decorated with flowers or somesuch. Next to them were the obi sashes, blue and red and yellow, and the hair ribbons, and the lacy under-kimono she had bought solely in foolish hope that Kenshin might see it. She didn't usually bother…

_But now I have a reason, I know he likes me, and the Battousai seems eager to…ummm…_ Kaoru's sex ed had been scandalously non-existent, her father had spent most of his teaching time on swords of the wooden or steel variety. _Well if I really wanted him to think of me THAT way, _thought the nude Kaoru, _I could always just go as I am now…_

*

Yahiko was persistent if nothing else. He was making his way to the peephole when Kenshin, who had been convinced by the Battousai that he needed to know as much about Kaoru as possible to ensure her happiness, caught him, and sent him off to bed. Kenshin of course immediately proceeded to the peephole, and gazed within.

_DAMN_.

Kaoru, completely nude, stood above her collection of clothing, her pert breasts still wet from her bath, and her dark hair in dripping strands above her gleaming face. Together, both Rurouni and Battousai began to lower their gazes, taking in her flat and toned stomach, her smoothly shaved crotch, and her long, well-muscled legs. I should kill you for not getting us this before. _I should kill you for nearly killing our chances with her, ahou._ Well if I hadn't created them then neither of us would be able to enjoy them now, so shut you dirty face, baka-deshi.

_Well if she catches us HERE then we really are screwed, so let's go wait for her to pick out her outfit…although truth be told I wouldn't mind her staying just like she is…_

*

"Koban-wa, Kaoru-don-" Kenshin stopped. _OK, I've changed my mind, I prefer this over naked, for now at least…_ "I'm sorry, Kaoru, your beauty caught me off guard." Kaoru had used well the hour and a half after her bath. She was dressed in a red Kimono, cherries dancing through her Obi, and a darker, wine colored hair ribbon.

"Domo Arigato, Kenshin-san!' She giggled, imitating his usual excessive politeness. Christ, Kenshin, you have some mad self control to have lived with her for 3 years and given her one hug the entire time. A GOOD-BYE hug, nonetheless!._ Well I wanted to go protect her happiness, and that of all of Japan, primitive urgings like the ones you represent-oh my god, look, there's a little wet patch, it's sort of see through right there…_

Well get your head out of your ass and let me take over. It's time to show you how it's done, you pacifist geezer. _Fine, but you know what happens if you do anything to hurt Miss Kaoru. _You know, she TOLD you not to call her that, and if you listened to Sano at ALL you know that if the night goes as planned, she's gonna get hurt. _Oh you mean the….thing? But, tonight?_ Yes and yes, you have to move fast in situations like this.

Kenshin's eyes switched, and as the golden gaze that meant the Battousai had taken over came into view, a predatory, seductive smile crossed his face. "Kaoru, you look incredible," He breathed. "You are to kind to dress like this for a worthless freeloader like myself." _I thought that was MY line._ Watch, as Sano and I have demonstrated, you have MUCH to learn.

"Well…I sorta saw this as a special occasion." Kaoru stuttered. "And besides," She came back strong. "If I could I'd always dress nice for you." _Still, my beating heart…_ Hmph, that was nuthin, wander-boy! "And why's that, Kaoru?" He had a way of saying her name that could make her feel dangerously special.

"Err…well…I'll explain…later." She mumbled. _Why are you-_Because if I can get her to admit it, that'd be best. _For what? _Have you been listening at ALL? "Well, let's walk then." He offered her and arm. She slipped her hand through his offered opening, and leaned close against him as they walked towards the river.

*

_So what's the plan here?_ I'm not telling for several good reasons. First, this is my business, not yours, and since when do I get to hear YOUR plans for getting tofu, or whatever you're good for? _Well if you ask-_ Don't interrupt. Also, there is no plan. I'm freestylin', waiting to see what she says and does, then judging by that to find out how far I can go. _How far you can…is that one of those….euphathingies? _Euphamisms? It didn't start out as one, but now that you mention it… _Ugh._

"Kenshin…" Their attention returned immediately to Miss Kaoru. "Yes, Kaoru?" "Why are your eyes…well…they're the same as when you fought Jinei…" _Shit._ "Well you see," The Battousai lied, "they seem to change whenever I'm very tense or excited. And being around you makes me both, especially when you are so beautifully attired."

"Oh Kenshin…let's sit down." She giggled. "I feel cold again…" They sat beneath a cherry tree, and watched the slightly frozen river churn it's way along. Kaoru leaned against his strong chest, and gazed upwards at his golden eyes and silky smile. "You know, before Yahiko interrupted, I was going to ask you something."

THIS ought to be good…"Anything you want, Kaoru, I'll get for you." Cherry sauce danced briefly before Kaoru's line of sight, but she shook the vision off. _Kenshin broke all of the bokkens on Yahiko anyway…_ "Well…it's just that…" The tension began to wear on her. She was about to simply give up. "Well…when you kiss-when you warmed my lips I mean…"

"Was it not good enough?" Asked the Battousai, contriving to look stricken. "I would hate to think I had failed to do my duty for you.

That was the last straw. Kaoru's damn simply BROKE at having this man she loved so much worried about not doing enough for her, and she cried her eyes out onto Kenshin's (_Damn!_) best Kimono. _You made her cry, you heartless fuck! OUT!_ No, this is part of- To late. When Kaoru looked up again with glistening eyes, the man holding her close had violet irises. "But," She sobbed, "I thought I made you excited…" "You did, I mean you do, Miss Kaoru…but I decided the Battousai part of myself might be better to make you happy…I was wrong though, and I don't think I'll let him come back.

"Oh Kenshin (How many times is she gonna say that!?), you don't understand!" She wailed anew. "I was crying…because…I love you Kenshin!" Score! _YOU! You aren't coming back, even if your plan DID work! _Oh come on, ask her if she's happier now, since she's admitted it. _I'll think about it, but if you excuse me, I have work to do._ "I love you too, Kaoru. I was just worried for so long that I would be bad for you, and all that matters to me is your happiness." He gathered her onto his lap Nice move!, and rand his hand across her cheek. She smiled, weakly. "What were you going to ask me last time?" He asked. _Is the man a telepath?_ "A real kiss."

She got one, and the Battousai nagged Kenshin for WEEKS about his lack of skill.

*

So, now for the next step! _What's the-hey, I'm not taking any more advice from YOU, useless past-self. _But Kenshin, you don't know what she WANTS without me! _Fine, so what do YOU say she wants, make-Kaoru-cry-san? _Well, how about you shift those hands holding her DOWN a little. _Are you suggesting that I GROPE the woman of my dreams?_ Apparently Sanosuke didn't explain this enough times, chicks LOVE being touched…THERE. _Are you certain? This is your LAST chance, bitch._ Do it, prove me right!

Kenshin followed his advice, and Kaoru shivered with pleasure. "That felt so nice…" I think I win. _I think you're right._ Kaoru's head tilted back, and she softly kissed Kenshin's neck. Damn, SHE knows what to do! _Well thanks to Sano's…interesting lessons and your own antics, so do I. _

Kenshin turned and softly nipped Kaoru's earlobe, making her quietly moan. I'm proud to learn that my student learned well. _You haven't seen anything, killer. _He slipped one hand inside Kaoru's kimonos (Oooh, lacy!), and spread one warm hand over her taut belly, caressing it. Kaoru grasped the hand and moved it up, until it cupped one aroused breast. Ok, you've got it now! _I always have, baka-deshi, you just got me started. _Well finish the job, let's take her home. _Exactly…but I have another job for you. It will take the ruthlessness and smoothness of a master Hitokiri such as yourself. _No flattery please, what needs doing? _I need you to figure out how to work in the cherry sauce…_

(Oh it's so sad, this story's nearly finished! I had a lot of fun with it, and I'll do another chapter or two at least though, don't get your panties in a twist. And I'm sort of liking humor fics now, maybe I'll do an Aoshi/Misao version of this. They can BOTH have mental dialogues! I like the idea, tell me some thoughts and suggest a pairing for the next one if you agree. I think I sort of lost focus here towards the end, but next chapter should be fun (all kinky fantasies fulfilled!), although Kaoru will need to buy some new bokkens…Review please! L8r!)

Shit, I forgot, ahou=moron, baka=fool, baka-deshi=sort of a foolish student or learner, domo/arigato=thanks, both adds extra emphasis, -dono ending=miss, -san ending=Mr./Sir, and Obis are the sashes that hold up and together Kimonos, which are by the way sort of all purpose robes. Oh, and bokkens are the wooden practice swords Kaoru and Yahiko use.


	4. In the Laundry Bucket

Chapter 4: In the Laundry Bucket (Alternating between Hybrid Theory and System of a Down)

(It's a crappy day up here, so you guys get another chapter, keep reviewing and tell me what you want next, since as much as I love writing it, I think this story's windin on down. Enjoy!)

Kenshin and Kaoru, moving stealthily to avoid waking Yahiko, slid into the dojo, and padded off to Kaoru's room. As they passed the kitchen, the Battousai grabbed sudden control. _What are you-_ "Kaoru…I think I left the cherry sauce out…" Well it's worth a shot! _Oh come on, it's not like SHE has that damn fantasy, she'd probably throw us out on our ass if I mentioned it, which is why I gave you the job of trying to slip it in. SUBTLY. _Oh give it a chance…

"Umm…actually…maybe we could…have some…" Kaoru was mortally embarrassed. _Maybe that entire reading-the-opponents-feelings Hiten Mistorugi thing really works!_

Pwned. The read-the-opponents-feelings Hiten Mitsorugi thing never fails! _That's really it's name? _Well yeah! "Of course, Kaoru…why don't we take it with us?" The Battousai grinned evilly, as the Rurouni returned and smiled pleasantly. "I live for your happiness, Kaoru…don't hesitate to ask for anything." He grabbed the jar of cherry sauce and continued on the way to Kaoru's room.

Kaoru followed, thinking _I wish he hadn't broken all the bokkens…_

*

When she reached the room, Kenshin was quietly sitting on her futon, sakabatou leaning against a wall, his eyes hopeful. The moonlight, filtered through the rice-paper walls, caught highlights in his red hair, and lent one purple eye a small glimmer. Pathetic, you're twice my age and the best you can do is look cute!? _Maybe I can look INNOCENT, because unlike you I am._

Whatever he looked like, although Kaoru leaned towards cute, she loved it. Kaoru crossed the room in a few long strides, and forced him down under her, undoing his mane and running her fingers through it while she kissed him passionately. His hands found her Obi, and began to undo the knot. Part of her wanted to stop him, tell him that it was to soon, and they were unmarried, but the rest saw his hopeful face and her deep love for him, and continued the kiss.

Jesus, woman, can we get a breath in here? _Quiet, I'm trying to enjoy this, and while it's doubtful anything could stop me they might detract from the experience._ Her Kimono made a silken puddle on the floor, and he tossed her obi and hair ribbon after it. After a final caress she left his hair and set to work at exposing his smooth and muscled chest. _So warm…_ they both thought. _So soft._

Soon they stood before each other, naked and aroused. Hmm, apparently I've grown since 15… _A benefit of a virtuous life._ Guess so, it's not like it could have been EXERCIZE. _Well she isn't doing so bad herself…I wish I could get a handful of that…_ You can, remember? It's gonna take a while to get used to this…

Kenshin stepped forward, and enfolded Kaoru in his strong arms. She had been shivering slightly as they examined each other on the cold floor, and both were grateful for the warmth that being together brought them. They each felt the others various aroused organs pressing against them, and both savored the feeling. Let's take this to the sack!

Kenshin stepped back and folded back a corner of the futon's blanket, inviting Kaoru in. _So very polite…_ She accepted, and immediately peeled back the other corner for him. Once they had both slid under, he pulled her to himself, spooning against her, hovering outside without yet entering.

What are you waiting for?! _Ummm…what Sano said about…the thing…will it really hurt that much? _I hope not, because the read-the-oppon-_what does it say!? _Fine, IT says that she's about to-

To late. Kaoru was hungering for release, and simply slid down onto him, loving the way he tensed in surprise, squeezing her breasts and driving himself deeper. Yeah. That. _Umm look, thanks and all, you've brought up my estimaion of you, but I think I can take it from here. Bye now!_ But wait, you didn't remember the-

It was to late. Kenshin let go of the outside world, and the Battousai was stuck sputtering in the back of his mind. The lovers continued to please each other for several hours, until exhaustion brought them both down.

The cherry sauce lay forgotten next to the futon.

*

It was the first time in her entire life that Kaoru woke up before Kenshin. She decided to savor the feeling.

They lay rather comfortably beneath the blankets of the futon, safe from the chill of the winter morning outside. As far as she was concerned, they could stay like this forever. She was spooned up to Kenshin, whose face was breathing gently into her hair, and occasionally brushing against her ear. He was warm against her back, and his hands conveyed the feeling to her front, too.

She was worried that she might have to spend a while waiting for him to get up, trying not to move, but soon the breathing by her ear changed subtly.

Who'd of thunk? You actually did it! Fuck yeah!_ And all it took was for the 15 year old killer asleep inside of me to wake up and tell me what to do. _Your damn straight! And next time let me handle it, you completely forgot the cherry sauce. Although your endurance without it WAS quite impressive…was it 4 or 5 times? The first couple kinda blended…_ Umm, ok, even tough I'm talking to MYSELF this is uncomfortable._

"Good morning, Kaoru," He said, with his usual politeness. "Did you sleep well?" She giggled. "Well no, but I think we're both glad for that." Kaoru craned her neck around for a good morning kiss. "I should really wake Yahiko…if nothing else because if he catches us we'll never hear the end of it, AND he'll tell Sano, AND he'll be scarred for life."

"I'll get him, Kaoru, if it's my fault you were awake all night then I should allow you to sleep in." "Oh be quiet, you're always to servile! Not only did I do half the work last night keeping US up, but also I should thank you for keeping me up. You were incredible…"

What, did she think any student of the Hiten Mistorugi Ryu would not be skillful with any sword? _Well I don't particularly care, as long as she's happy…_ Hmph, well I think that I deserve a turn with her. I mean, I'm the only reason you got her in the first place… _Not before you made her cry you didn't, and I don't want you hurting her…and don't bother trying to hide THAT thought, I can read yours just like you can mine. Now you're gonna try to convince me she WANTS to be spanked!_

Ummm, sorry dude, but there's a good chance she DOES. Lots of girls go for that. And what happened to 'oh her happiness is all that matters to me cause I'm a pansy' ? I guarantee that if you give me a chance, I'll make her happier than you did…and I haven't let you down so far, have I? _Ugh…you talk me into to much, and besides, while I probably will have to let you, now is not the time._

"Well let's send Yahiko off to hang around the Akebeko with Tsubame for a while, and spend the day together…in fact, if you want to just stay in bed today you need never leave it." Go Rurouni-san! This'll give me all the chance I need… _Dear god, don't make me reconsider! Are those really…I should never let you near her with thoughts like THAT one. _Oh come on, what did you THINK was gonna happen to that cherry sauce? _Well definitely not THAT!_

Well we'll find out, I'll bet. Oh yes we will….

*

For the second time of the day, Kaoru awoke in the futon, next to Kenshin. There were some differences, however. The fading cane marks on her bottom, the cherry stains on the blankets, and the newly purchased bokken and now slightly splintered laundry bucket lying nearby.

_That Battousai knows some tricks, although I think that I prefer Kenshin's endurance…_

Golden eyes opened, to be greeted by the red-striped bottom if their lover. I won't describe the position exactly, but you'll work it out._ I didn't ever know…so…unclean…_ I'd get used to it, lover-boy, she loved it, ever minute! _You mean BOTH, god-like-speed-san, now THERE'S a sword that cuts both ways. _Unlike, say, your wussy sakabatou?

"Did you have a good time, my naughty little girl?" Drawled a grinning Battousai as he lifted himself and crept up her length, giving small licks up her spine. "Oh yes…I'm not sure I learned my lesson though…" He reached her neck, she lay face down now.

Something brushed against her posterior…and felt rather nice. "Well I can think of only one way to fix THAT," the manslayer smirked. She wanted to cry out as she took his length into her, but settled for a soft moan. "Sorry if it hurts," said the ruruoni, as Kenshin's eyes flashed violet. "If you want to stop just say…"

"I won't-ever-want-either-of you-to stop!" She gasped, between strokes. "Just-never-leave…"

*

So.

_Yeah. She loves us both. I'm not sure I wanna share this body with you though…_ And to think I was about to offer you a portion of MY body. _ Hey, I've had it for a year more than you did! _And look how you did with it. _Well I defended Japan several times from evil, and managed to make a wonderful woman love me. _Well it took ME to actually defeat those criminals and get the girl into bed.

_Well…we'll share I guess. _Two IS better than one I guess…don't get to thinking I'll be changing, I'll always be for slaying and harsh loving, that's what I lie for._ Well I'll always be a pacifist softy with pansy eyes._

Fine.

_Fine._

Kaoru awoke, and they both shifted their attention to her. It never left again.

(OMG J4CK R T3H 5UXX0RZZ!!!11 How dare I stop, after only 4 chappies?? Well there wasn't anymore to write! Sorry! At least I wasn't like the guy who I stole this fic from, his was one chappie long, and it gave me the cherry sauce and laundry bucket joke. Anyway, depending on feedback I'll write more humor, so if you hated it tell me so I'll know that I'm only hurting, if you loved it write me 'cause I'll work faster, and if you thought anything should change in next one tell me cause if you don't it won't. Read my other stuff, and review it too, but only after you've given an opinion here! And leave me an e-mail please, I love writing people who give me insightful reviews e-mails back. L8r!)

(WOW. I'm transferring this for uploading, and when I checked my inbox…jesus. I love you guys…* sniff! * I mean, you people really like this!? You guys keep this up and I swear I'll write another one, JUST FOR YOU!! Just tell me if u prefer Sano/Megumi (I love Sano soooo much…) OR Misao/Aoshi (Surely you want to know what Aoshi is REALLY thinking when he meditates, and everyone likes Misao, right!?), and I'll get down on it! Make it your chapter 4 review, choose one or the other (unless I missed one?), and then go R+R my other shit while you wait. I love y'all! Really! L8r!)


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